My Nitrous Addiction

I took having a good time to a whole new level this year. I owned a cream dispenser machine (we called it a Bulbinator, as cream chargers are also called bulbs). When I first wake up, I’d take hits. I do it when I’m cooking, in between bites of my meals, during a shower, I even did it once while walking down a busy street.
I have this one debaucherous friend that would take hits while driving. She'll have one hand on the wheel while the other restocks the Bulbinator. She didn't drive recklessly, and was pretty smooth on the road. I’ve accompanied her on quite a few drives. She said something about how soothing it felt driving on nitrous.
We’d rock up at all odd hours of the morning during our sesh runs to this one convenient store that sold bulbs. The Indians would give us knowing looks. They see 3 scruffy looking girls come in with suss looking faces asking for ‘cream chargers please’ I also live very close to a supermarket that sold bulbs. It was a mere few minutes walk, I thought that my life was fucking complete. The employees started recognising me, would chuck me a knowing smile and say something along the lines of ‘haha you’re back for more!’. I always felt a tinge of embarrassment, kinda like when you walk into a shop to buy condoms or something. Maybe I’m just being paranoid about how they’re judging, leering, thinking about what a nitrous junkie I was.

It had its pros and cons. Pros were that it didn't inhibit my appetite or my sleep, it wore off pretty quick, it had a nice taste, and overall it just felt… Amazing. I also got pro at holding my breath.
(A box of Isi cream chargers had 10 in a box, I was using around 240 bulbs daily). Cons were that I started becoming forgetful, confused, constantly mulling about death, and if there was a point to anything. I’d become irrationally paranoid and overthinking weird scenarios in my head, I didn’t want to see anybody or go anywhere, didn’t want to work, and was even too lazy to go out on a bulb run. I wished a 6 pack would materialise in front of me so I could continue watching Scarface.
I have an important client that comes to town frequently. This one time I excused myself to 'help a friend out with a school project for a few hours’, went home, helped myself to a great session, then went back to see him.

It starts off with fun laughing fits, hearing cool echoes, having crazy life epiphanies, nostalgia and bittersweet emotions. Then gradually losing touch with reality and questioning your sanity. It was interesting living in a constant dream-like state. I’ve stopped using it for a while now, my sweet Bulbinator went into the bin to prove to myself that I’m done. But deep down I know it’s not going to be my last time. Maybe I won’t go that extent next time.

I Wish I Was Asexual

Life would be so much simpler if I didn’t have romantic feelings for people. I won’t have to constantly worry about if this boy likes me, or if he's thinking of me right now?

Love complicates things. I think it’s so stupid how we’re raised to believe we must find that one special person to be with. Who cares?
We’re always falling out of love at some point in our lives. How many successful marriages are there in this world? I feel like there’s got to be more to life than love.

Friendships are worth it though. You don’t expect a lot from each other like partners do, all that’s needed is loyalty, care… Companionship.
There’s no ‘ownership’ involved.
What’s with all this ownership bullshit once you’ve entered a relationship/marriage?
You can’t do this/you can’t do that, you can’t fool around with other people, you feel as if you can’t achieve certain goals anymore because you’ve moved in together and so must consider the other person with the things you do.
I believe there’s more than one person in this world that’s ‘the one for you’.
We’re just all too selfish by not letting each other be free.
Can’t we love more than one person? Do people love one child more than their other child?

Maybe I haven’t found that ‘one guy’ yet. Being in only 2 relationships I can’t believe I’m already thinking romance in pointless.
I’ve already been married and divorced, and thought I’d spend ‘the rest of my life’ with this person.
But it turns out I don’t wanna go through the motions like most people.
I don’t wanna have children, settle down, depend on my husband financially while I make sandwiches all day and raise a bunch of kids till they move out and eventually leave me. Then grow old, demented, and wheeled into a nursing home where I'm left to die.

I don’t even know how the hell I’m going to cope when I’m older and no longer beautiful…
Am I going to be like one of those insecure 40 somethings that have to compete with younger girls by getting plastic surgery, not dressing my age, and having to date younger guys to feel whole?

Maybe I’ll get to the point where I finally feel forced to get married and have kids, and live the depressed monotonous life like most people.